


Focus

by Ididntsignupforthisshit (myhamartia)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I don't want to tag smut bc it isn't, Implied Sexual Content, Jared Kleinman being a Good fucking Boyfriend, Like it's p obvious it's happening but that's not the Focus, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 22:56:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10931745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhamartia/pseuds/Ididntsignupforthisshit
Summary: Evan has a panic attack during an intimate moment between he and his boyfriend, Jared.





	Focus

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: "soft kleinsen with a side of a failed rim job and an anxiety attack" yeaaahhhhh boi.

         Evan’s mind wandered, trying to catch a cohesive thought.

     The room was dim, the only light coming from the windows hidden behind thin curtains. Evan didn’t mind the dark, it was actually quite soothing. It made everything seem more intimate - which, of course, is a rather hard thing to do with the situation they were in. They, being he and Jared.

     Evan’s fingers curled into themselves and he sighed lightly.

     The sound in his ears was minute; it occurred to him that his breathing was much more audible than what was happening farther down the bed. Evan tugged on the little strands of hair threaded in with his fingers, a reassurance. A prayer, a plea. ‘Please, keep going.’

     He didn’t think about how he must look right now, all drawn out and desperate, flushed and panting and whining. He didn’t think about how he must taste, smell. He didn’t think about it, because he knew it was disgusting. He knew Jared only did it because he liked it. _God_! He was so selfish, having Jared do something like that when he got nothing out of it. He didn’t deserve this.

     And Evan didn’t either. He didn’t deserve Jared. God, he was so _selfish_.

     He threw his head back, screwing his eyes shut as his breath hitched. He felt Jared’s mouth against him form into something like a smile, misreading Evan’s shift in movement.

     Evan’s breathing was faster, his heaving lungs trying to keep up with the thoughts pounding against his ears rapid fire. His thighs shifted together more, his hands pulling up on Jared’s hair.

     Jared didn’t seem to understand, because he twisted his tongue and made no move to pull back.

     The movement felt good - too, too good. It had Evan keening, overwhelmed. His hands unthreaded themselves from Jared’s hair and gathered to his face, pressing against his mouth as he felt tears prickle his eyes.

 _No, no no no nononononononono. Don’t_ cry _!_

     He shuddered, scrubbing his knuckles into his eyes roughly.

     His head swam - he couldn’t hear anything anymore. He was too caught up in the pain thrumming in his eyes, the pounding in his head to register Jared finally drawing back, his hands cupped around his hips.

     Evan’s chest heaved and he could feel the air from the ceiling fan tickle along his skin, raising goosebumps. It felt like too much. Everything was swimming. _Oh my God, pull yourself together._ Was he breathing right? He couldn’t tell. He could feel his chest heave but his lungs felt ever-empty, like he was suffocating.

     “Evan. Evan, look up here.” The bed under him shifted, a knee on either side of him as warm hands covered over Evan’s, pulling them away from his face in slow, gentle movements. “Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Jared crooned, trying to coax Evan back into himself.

     Evan’s eyes opened to find Jared above him, now, eyes wide and scared. Evan’s fingers clenched, the nail of his middle finger scratching relentlessly against the pad and knuckle of his thumb. He tried focusing in on things to ground him. Things to focus on other than the incessant murmur in his head. The bed sheets beneath him were one. He rolled his heel along them, feeling the firm mattress under the sheet. Another was his scratching. The pain. That was real, that was here. Something to focus on, don’t listen to what’s going on up there, focus, focus.

     Jared’s hands on his. They were warm and soft against Evan’s calloused hands. Such a difference. Those hands were so different than his own.

     He looked at Jared’s face, at the dusting of freckles along Jared’s nose and cheekbones. His eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. He looked at the little brown spot in the iris of his right eye, mesmerized with the dramatic change of color.

     His left hand twisted in Jared’s, melding their fingers together until they were intertwined, Evan squeezing tightly.

     Slowly, bit by bit, he could feel the breath in his lungs again. He consciously tried to steady his breathing using the breathing exercises he’d been taught since he was little.

     “I’m sorry,” Evan breathed, looking up at Jared through his eyelashes. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, dropping his eyes, his head turning so his face was half buried in the pillow.

     “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Jared protested, sounding aghast. His hands touched either side of his face, thumbs sweeping over Evan’s cheekbones in such a tender way Evan’s chest ached. Evan’s eyes held shut for a stubborn moment, his mouth in a dramatic frown that screamed self deprecation. Jared leaned down and pressed a fleeting kiss to his eyelid. Evan’s eyes fluttered open in surprise, blinking up at his boyfriend owlishly. Jared merely pressed another kiss to the ball of his nose before sitting back up again. Rather, kneeling over him, never putting his full weight on Evan. Their intertwined hands rested atop Jared’s thigh as he looked down at Evan.

     “Do you want to talk about it?” Jared asked.

     Evan bit his lip and debated with himself for a moment. He ended up simply shaking his head.

     “Then, that’s fine.” Jared swung his leg over Evan so he could flop down next to him. “Do you want to continue on?” Jared connected his eyes with Evan’s and lifted an eyebrow. “And don’t lie just because you think I might want to. It’s not fun unless all parties are having fun, too.”

     “Then, n-not really,” Evan murmured quietly, licking his lips. “I’m sorry.”

     “It’s _fine_ ,” Jared told him, settling against a pillow, the fingers of his free hand trailing over Evan’s knuckles. “Do you want to cuddle?” he asked.

Evan looked up to him, nodding. He rolled over, twisting into Jared’s body. Their legs entangled and Evan tucked an arm around his boyfriend’s waist, his palm smoothing over Jared’s back, over the soft fat cushioning his hips and lower back. He tucked his chin into Jared’s neck and simply took a moment to breathe.

     Jared’s free hand scratched absently at his scalp in soothing patterns, bringing Evan to complete relaxation.

     “Thank you,” he breathed, his nose skimming warm, bare skin.

     Jared pressed a messy kiss to the top of Evan’s head and squeezed his hand tighter.

     “No problem.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! It was just something that popped into my head earlier, that I really wanted to write out.  
> I wrote this in a very short amount of time, and I have not had it beta'd... so please, forgive me for that.
> 
> That being said, please drop me a comment!!  
> [Visit me on tumblr!](peanutbutterandbitter.tumblr.com) I do take requests for drabbles and AUs. Plus, I just really love making new friends!


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